Things To Do With Tony When He's Dead
by Know Your Dog
Summary: Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo was dead... from an offical point of view at least. And that was good enough for Abby. [Definite spoilers for 'Dead Marine', possibly some others] Chapter 3 is finally up!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS or any of the characters I borrow to fulfil the need to inflict my sick and twisted imagination on other people - I promise to put them back when I'm done, but I can't be held accountable for any damage they sustain in the meantime...**

**The Bunnies made me do it.**

A mad Bunny jumped me with this following a conversation I had with Wanna Be Abby (along the lines that, despite Abby's comment that she'd "do him" and Tony's attraction to her, nothing would ever happen between them because Tony's too scared of what Abby would do to him should she ever actually get her hands on him) and a subsequent re-run of 'Marine Down'. I apologise if this seems a little out of character, but I guess being dead can do that to ya.

Oh, and I also apologise if some things get mentioned that hadn't actually happened in prior episodes - I'm working from a Swiss-cheese memory here, and I don't always remember what happened when.

Hussive thanks to my 'Big Sis' and Wanna Be Abby for beta-ing.

**

* * *

Kate:** "Confidential? What'd you do, kill someone in high school?" 

**Tony:** "Ha! That's funny Kate. No, they screwed up my paperwork with another agent's"

**Gibbs:** "Agent Tony DiNozzo died in a car accident last month. Very tragic."

_Dead Marine

* * *

_

**Abby's Lab… **

"Dead?"

"Yep. Until he takes a physical to prove otherwise." Kate smiled as she remembered the look on Tony's face when he'd told her.

"Wow, he must've _really_ pissed off someone in personnel!"

"Abby! It's just an administrative mix-up, could've happened to anyone." Kate reprimanded. "People do make mistakes you know," she added in response to Abby's raised eyebrow. Abby just smiled knowingly and nodded. "_Or_… Tony could have annoyed someone in Personnel." Kate conceded. The man had, after all, once inspired one of his numerous dating disasters to break into his apartment and fill his closet with dog crap.

"Dead" Abby repeated thoughtfully "hmm, I wonder what it's like."

Kate frowned "What?"

"Being dead." Abby's tone indicated that she thought Kate was a complete idiot for not being able to follow the conversation.

"Abby, Tony's not really dead."

"Not physically, maybe. But _officially…_" The raven-haired lab tech rubbed her hands together gleefully, then added in a dreamy voice "I mean, think about it…"

Kate just stared at her, completely lost.

"Look" Abby explained, "as far as the top brass are concerned, Tony's dead. They have procedures for that kind of thing. Not only will they have yanked his clearance, but they'll have stopped his pay and…" she trailed off looking intently at her friend to see if she'd finally got the big picture.

"And…?" Kate prompted before her eyes widened with sudden realisation, "OH!"

Abby grinned, bouncing slightly on the spot "Yep, next of kin will have been informed about our boy's tragic and untimely demise, so to all intents and purposes Tony no longer exists in the land of the living." She cocked her head to one side thoughtfully. "You know, that's kinda kinky."

_To Be Continued..._


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS or any of the characters I borrow to fulfil the need to inflict my sick and twisted imagination on other people - I promise to put them back when I'm done, but I can't be held accountable for any damage they sustain in the meantime...**

**The Bunnies made me do it.**

Thanks for the reviews - I wasn't totally sure anyone would like it. Heck, if I'm honest, I wasn't sure if anyone would actually _read _it. Except for my lovely Betas who kind of had to really. Wanna Be Abby and my 'Big Sis' once again _hussive_ thanks for all your assistance.

* * *

Tony groaned and rolled over, his entire body connecting with something solid. He groaned again - surmising that the 'something' must be a wall and _that_ meant he'd passed out in his hallway. _Again._

Rolling away from the wall he rested on his back for a few moments, contemplating moving to the comfort of his bed. Not that the floor wasn't comfortable. Which was, well, slightly odd given that he must've been there for at least a couple of hours. By rights his body should be complaining loudly about its latest mistreatment. As it was, aside from the pounding in his head, Tony was feeling no ill effects from his debauched night of Sake-bombing. But that didn't mean he would get away with staying on the floor all night.

"Right," he said decisively to the darkness "Bed." He sat up. Or rather, he tried to sit up - not even making it halfway before his head connected sharply with another solid 'something'.

"OW!" Tony slumped back down and raised a hand to rub at his stinging forehead, frowning slightly as he tried to figure out which piece of furniture had just assaulted him.

He became aware of two things simultaneously - first: his hallway was totally devoid of furniture, which meant that he wasn't _in_ his hallway…

And second:

He wasn't alone.

_To Be Continued…_


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS or any of the characters I borrow to fulfil the need to inflict my sick and twisted imagination on other people - I promise to put them back when I'm done, but I can't be held accountable for any damage they sustain in the meantime...**

**The Bunnies made me do it.**

Sorry for the long delay in updating - I had a good flow going then the Bunnies got scared off by my phone going mad, people actually expecting me to do work while in the office and the masses of homework I wasn't doing for my two courses... then there was the slight fact that my betas didn't tell me what they think of this bit _ ahem>,_ so I'm hoping it's up to scratch...

* * *

_A day or so earlier…_

"Aw, c'mon Gibbs… _please?_" Abby pleaded with the former Marine, putting on her best puppy-dog expression and looking at him under her lashes. "He's been working really, really hard and he's still a bit fragile after what's-her-name in Gitmo gave him the brush off _and_ he kinda thinks you're a bit mad at him about that and you know he still feels _really_ bad about shooting that Marine's ear off, even if he did tell Kate that it wasn't his fault and…" the rush of words trailed off as she finally had to pause to draw breath.

"Abs, I'm not mad at Tony because of Gitmo." Gibbs held out a large container of Caff-Pow for his lab tech, a smile lighting up his face. "I'm mad at him because he's still living at my place."

"Oh." Abby became thoughtful as she reached for the proffered beverage. "Well, in that case…" she pouted as Gibbs drew his hand back, moving the drink out of her reach, "just think of it as respite: Tony gets the weekend off, I get to keep him out of trouble and you get your house back." She bounced on the spot slightly, looking hopeful. "See, it's a win-win situation. Everybody's happy."

Gibbs raised an eyebrow at her as he finally allowed pale, slender fingers to relieve him of the Caff-Pow. "Everybody Abs?"

The diminutive Goth paused, both hands wrapped around the oversized container, straw half-way to her mouth "well…" her brow furrowed in concentration and she chewed on her bottom lip. "Yeah…" she replied hesitantly, taking a thoughtful sip of caffeine before nodding confidently "sure they are". She took a long drag on the straw. "What you don't think so?" she queried, frowning slightly, as the older man continued to regard her with piercing blue eyes.

He dropped his gaze to the floor, shaking his head, a slightly bemused smile gracing his features. "Okay. But Abs…" he fixed her with a hard stare, expression serious "make sure no one gets hurt."

TBC (as soon as I get the Bunnies back in check...)


End file.
